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Funeral

from Colder Than Mars by Maiden Name

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lyrics

No need for masked metaphor now and similes have no purpose
I saw you at grandma’s funeral service
and I was a little surprised to see how I’d surfaced
it still took a whole lot of courage
even though you were balding and I was bearded,
quite a contrast to years ago, when you drew close as I grew nervous
and I’ve tried and tried again to let it all go

that day I really wanted to give you a shiner,
but pacifist’s a pacifist’s a pacifist
so I did my best to hold back my desires
besides, it would’ve been against grammy’s wishes

we walk into the church, you hold the door for me,
you smile broadly and reply in a british accent
and I can’t for a second find it funny,
but I think about stabbing you with chopsticks, like I dreamt
and your wife is there, and you’re talking to young children
I want to shout aloud, “do not trust him”
you take the podium, and try to draw our tears
but the family’s eyes roll, like we have been for years

as you drew close, and I grew nervous
the smell of sleeping bags still makes me feel so worthless

by the time we drive our cars out to the stone
and all mutter hymns in the wind
despite my diagnosis of your syndromes
I’m feverish and my fervor’s gone dim
we talk of grammy, most stories funny and brief
and I pray for an unadulterated grief
but my ire sparks like a forest fire
posing for pictures, I smile with my teeth

my ears pop and my forehead grows warm
and the snow can’t begin to cover the swarm
of thoughts rising, like my chest is cracking
someone’s ripped it open, through it my heart is leaking

chorus

yet for a moment, I saw you as my brother
not by relation, but by creation
and wondered at the possibility, the sneaking possibility
of forgiveness
the thought twisted my insides out and my outsides in
and it passed like a plastic bag in the wind
who knows, it may come around again
until then, I’m stuck carrying your sin
until then, it turns out, you continue to win
I run for my life, and you lassoe me in
like Whitaker said: love and hate are strangely akin
they lurk deep in your heart like a siamese twin

and until I stop hating you for what you did
I’ll keep the wound you began when I was a kid
Jesus, teach me to love the enemy who knows exactly what he did

credits

from Colder Than Mars, released March 29, 2016

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Maiden Name Portland, Oregon

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