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Phantom Limb

from Hairy Arms by Maiden Name

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lyrics

Shut it down, shut it down
Keep the feelings underground
Fearing if I dip a toe
I’ll fall in and quickly drown

On the verge of the wilderness
Out of oppression, into nothingness
Never got much tenderness
From the ones I was placed with

I went for years living in a glass house
I break in just so I can smash out

I was born with a phantom limb,
and its been itching since day one

Can I call it grief if I chose it?
It’s an odd, yet reasonable notion
I didn’t choose this family system
Hearts too heavy to truly listen
I don’t say that with a lick of blame
It’s the rules of this unfair game
You try your best, and then prepare
To do your best at repair

I just need an apology
A promise you’ll be there for me
Can’t spell out any clearer
yet somehow we never seem to get nearer

I’m not holding onto the past
Just holding hope for the future
That I can speak truth without being harrassed
Hoping our family could be healthier

I made collect calls, staring at the pavement
and neither of you could afford to take them,
your heart’s economy already spent
on your own family, your own mind’s own lament
In a certain way you came around for rent
But collecitng from my heart never made a dent
In the debt that you owed your own parents
Stuck in your own, unknown defunct systems

So that’s why I find that I’m singing these songs,
Trying my best to not do my own kids wrong
Trying to grieve when I can, not let it tie my hands
To extend love to know my own children

And I know that you loved me best you could
But we need to move from ‘your best’ to ‘good’
Or at least halfway decent, so I can see that
You’ll have my back like you should

guess I’m just waiting on you
don’t know what the hell else to do
So I’ve grieved so I can move on
But hoping this isn’t the end of our song

credits

from Hairy Arms, released January 7, 2018

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Maiden Name Portland, Oregon

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